jesus christ
This is it. This is Star Trek TOS.
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I went to the local aviary today and they had some really mean things to say about owls.
I can confirm that most birds have a detectable amount of wiring behind the eyes - blinking lights and buttons and sliders and frizzy things that spark and chirp and beep. They also have a lot of soul that can communicate with ours because the programming is fairly compatible. Vultures are clever and curious, swans are clear and lawful, chickens have a lot of personality, caged parrots are dissociated and disinherited and frankly worrying, falconry-trained birds of prey are tremendously businesslike.
And owls are absolutely lovely beasts with their own irreplaceable validity. but they are basically stuffed with polyester fiberfill. They have one button, like a child's toy dinosaur that opens and closes its mouth when you press the back of its head. And it isn't even a sophisticated electronic button it's just a lever that rocks back and forth to make the claws open and close. I think they may have actually evolved independently from sponges. Their skulls simply exist to create holes that funnel sound and light, and as a place to hang a giant hinged beak. An owl is just an empty tube like a windchime that the wind whistles through, and you can drop meat down it. They use the meat to generate feathers, and then emit the bones in pressed little packages like those machines that flatten a penny and stamp it with the logo of a theme park. I think that's the gist of it - most birds are electronics of varying levels of sophistication, but owls are just a system of levers and pulleys. No elevator music in those skulls, just the wind echoing through empty caverns of slightly irritating design. Absolutely fantastic.
I saw a post saying that Boromir looked too scruffy in FotR for a Captain of Gondor, and I tried to move on, but I’m hyperfixating. Has anyone ever solo backpacked? I have. By the end, not only did I look like shit, but by day two I was talking to myself. On another occasion I did fourteen days’ backcountry as the lone woman in a group of twelve men, no showers, no deodorant, and brother, by the end of that we were all EXTREMELY feral. You think we looked like heirs to the throne of anywhere? We were thirteen wolverines in ripstop.
My boy Boromir? Spent FOUR MONTHS in the wilderness! Alone! No roads! High floods! His horse died! I’m amazed he showed up to Imladris wearing clothes, let alone with a decent haircut. I’m fully convinced that he left Gondor looking like Richard Sharpe being presented to the Prince Regent in 1813
*electric guitar riff*
And then rocked up to Imladris a hundred ten days later like
Some people have been wondering about the raccoon. Listen. Listennn. Don't ask about the raccoon.
But does the racoon survive the Uruk-Hai? Does he curl up on Aragorn's head, or does he go straight to Faramir? Does he bite Denethor?
My friend. My colleague. My brother my captain my king. I too have been pondering this question, and in my mind there can be only one ultimate outcome.
A few months later
All hail the High Warden of Gondor.
Epilogue: It ADORES Faramir.
I’m going to wear this on my head like a raccoon and show everyone
Twist: it's actually a hobbit.
"Oh, the Ringtail family down in the south of the Shire keep to themselves, terribly ashamed of their tiny feet. They do have an affinity for royalty, though."
Down a Rabbit Hole I Went
I screwed up. I didn't think that using an ancient language on a piece of tumblr merch was necessary but I forgot what site I was on :) . This is tumblr, of course it has to be in linguistically accurate cuneiform.
I went and hired an expert on Ancient Semitic Languages and Cultures. There aren't as many as you'd think that are willing to translate text for an internet gag so I'm so happy I found Paul.
Notes on the translation from the translator:
I used the ventive suffix on the imperative "give (rib+am)" which is a special feature of Akkadian that indicates the motion of direction. It makes it a little bit more authentic. The longer version actually includes the words "to me (ana iasim)", but a typical Akkadian speaker probably wouldn't have needed to say that.
Also, for the word "money" I used the Sumerian (KUG.BABBAR) instead of spelling out the Akkadian, because that was a common feature in Akkadian scribal writing.
For the font I was happily surprised that Google has a Cuniform font, so not only is it correct but it looks pretty neat too.
Right now you can buy both versions in the shop but cuniform version won't ship for a week or so as I have to order new stock with the new design.
i think as a society we should go back to designing furniture w little feet. it would heal us.
please look me in the eye and tell me this doesn't spark joy
au where the one “person” who stumbles out of the fade alive at the conclave is really just an envy demon doing their best. this makes no sense but consider: it would be really funny
varric: what IS that accent? it’s not fereldan that’s for sure. is it free marches? don’t tell me it’s free marches. markham? ostwick? am i hot or cold?
envy demon who has figured out maybe two sentences so far: i don’t remember
varric: damn you’re good! sticking to your line, i see how it is. i’ll figure it out
envy demon internally: i have succeeded in my goal. i will continue my NEFARIOUS SCHEME by sealing the breach and keeping all these mortals safe and sound so that their world is MINE ALONE to explore. i am getting a GOOD GRADE in being a demon, something that is NORMAL to want and POSSIBLE to achieve—ouch. what was that
varric: seeker your uh alleged mass murderer was too busy beaming at a compliment and looking around wide-eyed at scenery. and tripped over a log.
cassandra: [head in hands] i know. i cant protect them
envy demon internally: i have FOOLED THEM ALL. i really like BIRDSONG